Tuesday, January 27, 2009 . 10:21 PM

My day...
Finally I managed to hand in the portfolio in time... ehe... The teacher was like... O.O "I'm so glad you are the first one to understand what the portfolio is about" "It must be a lot of hard work"
Now I feel both happy and guilty... Ria can justify this... I only started doing the portfolio 3 hours before the deadline...
I've been lucky... too lucky that even sometimes my friend got so annoyed with my luck that she had to kick me...
It's not like the saying "If you believe you're lucky, then you are lucky..."
I'm not hypnotizing myself.. -.-
Because I know that I have many things to give, I'm willing to give
And there's someone who lets me give
I'm lucky
Because there's someone who let me be a part of her life
I exist, not because I was given a life to live
But because I feel needed
Lately I've been reading about selfishness
What's wrong with being selfish?
People who brags that they are selfless would be big big liars
I'm selfish
And I'm okay with that
I don't torture myself with that thought
Because I know it's a stupid thing to waste time with
Time is very precious to me
Not because it's short for me
But because its beautiful part doesn't last.
Now that I can count...
Let's see... it's been 8 months and 2 days since we first knew each other
So it's 247 days in total
Wow!
when counting in days... it looks like small number -.-
But those 247 days are really worth living
Even though some of them were not pleasant
I'm still glad
Because I had passed them
And become who I am now
Also... lately I've been hearing about "being strong"
In a way, I think I'm strong ^^
Because I'm living for myself
I'm doing what I want to do
And I'm happy
I'm not pretending to be strong because you are there ;-)
I feel like I'm strong
Maybe you make me strong
And I'm liking it
So... saying hat I'm pretending is a bit of an insult to me hehe
Now that I think...
Because the earth is round...
Anybody can claim where they stand to be the center... -.- here's a bit issue of geography... the center on the surface... not inside...
You can choose to turn around the others
Or be the center yourself...
It's not that the others will get hurt because of that
They have their own perspective of the world
Let them be...
But if they mean to take your center, give them a good kick in the guts ^^
That will wake them up

Wednesday, January 21, 2009 . 10:09 AM

Letter for Yun (someone I couldn't find a good description for, lover, friend, lord...whatever)
To Yun...
It's been a while since I could sit down and write you how I feel... I want to write it out so that I have a place to go to one day... because I'm afraid that I will forget...
When I get so exhausted that memories start to slip from my mind, my body, my feelings, I will come back here and read these lines again... so as to fall in love all over again with memories about you...
Is what I'm feeling for you right now love? I don't know... it's really too confusing...
I really want to talk to somebody so that they can confirm it for me... maybe they will say things like "Oh, I've felt that before... it could be love..." or "It's just an impulsive moment..."... I will be listening to their words... not knowing whether to cry or smile...
Sometimes I wonder if you know... you said you knew... and you also said that you could never love me more than a friend...
Maybe I didn't do it right... from the start, in our relationship... I haven't done it right, haven't acted my role right...
Maybe from the start, I shouldn't have let my feelings get over the limit of friendship...
My mom used to tell me: "You treat your friends too nice that you have become so usable." She didn't know her stupid daughter only knew a friend or two...
Been backstabbed many times, I may have become more cautious but not less stupid...
I remember blaming myself every time getting backstabbed... I blamed myself because I had not been a good friend... and that I probably had done something wrong that made those people hate me so much that they hurt me...
And I still blame myself every now and then whenever someone I truly care about did something I'm uncomfortable with
I remember being called fake... even though I say things that I really mean... even though I tell myself not to lie... I'm still a fake... I can't explain why I can have so many faces...
But I never want to hurt anyone with those faces... I can swear upon my ugly face from the very bottom...
Because you are very special, very different from what I see in the others...
...
Yun, you know what? There is an invisible wall between us...
Maybe there is no wall at all and all I did was just imagining
But I can feel it every time I manage to get close to you
I can feel it grow and trying to push me away
Every time you cry, frown, yell at me, the fear becomes so great that I get a painful heartache
I remember you laughing when I told you that my heart ached everytime things went out of the right way between us
It's true, Yun ah... Right now when I'm writing this, the aching is coming to me like a heavy stone slowly shifts all its weight on my chest...
I don't know how much more I have to give so that you will let your guards down at me... it's not quite a good expression, is it? I'm actually asking you to turn yourself into a fool like me... that's a ridiculous one, so forget it (^^;)
I just want to know what you want from me... and I mean to ask the questoin with its most genuine meaning...
Your laughter actually is very refreshing, do you know that? every time I see you "hahaha" I actually feel hope... even though you're not really amused and you just do it because you feel sorry for my pathetic look, you do me a big favor already, thank you...
Times when you suddenly call my name are the scariest... because it's almost a fact that never goes wrong after "Yuki" there's always something unpleasant after that...
And I blame myself for annoying you...
Recently, I'm thinking about finding someone to replace you...
Because I suddenly find a possibility of you getting tired of me
You never accepted me, that gives you the absolute right to ask me to leave, after all the time, I'm the only one clinging onto you
That's one scary thing as well...
You will shout at me, or may call my name softly and then say it
"Yuki, please, I'm tired of you."
That will sure break me... or maybe a whole self of me
I love the Yuki I am now... I love being Yuki... being with you...
Being a Yuki whom you call your best friend...
I need you...
Ever since you entrusted me with those secrets, I have given myself a few small rules...
Never to talk about my family, because it may upset you is a small example...
There are really too many things I want to write down before my memories vanish...
Like I will remember your likes: color brown, coffee, mugs and tons of trifling things... because I think you will be happy if I remember those
Just like I will be if you can remember things about me
I want to have the memory of you sharing the bed with me
Happy memories...
One year is too short a time...
Because time is even shorter for you, I want to have those all in my mind, to note them down and never forget you when you're gone...
Have a nice day my Yun
Yuki
P.S: I should love myself more but I want to love you instead.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009 . 9:51 PM

몾난이
Ya! What can I say now...
I'm feeling like a fool, a big fool! going crazy about something that doesn't seem to bother you at all...
What am I doing this for?
Stupid me! Stupid Yuki!
Yuki is the biggest fool! every one should clap their hands!
Really don't understand...

Saturday, January 3, 2009 . 10:41 PM

One Piece

I found Yun lying like a drained spirit on the doorway... his smirk greeted me like it had always done... "Nice to meet you again, Yuki" I could read it outloud from his clear eyes... "Hi..." the breeze swept my breath away... cold, clean and neat...
"Don't you want to let me in?" he mumbled... the smirk was still there... a little faded... my heart sunk as if it was the last time I could see him...
I stayed speechless... because of the fear that he could disappear any minute and I would just waste time saying meaningless things. My eyes wandered from his whole face... trying to memorize the suave figures... his clear eyes with little red traces... his black iris with my reflection... the small and helpless me...
"Yuki ah..." His smirk disappeared and I saw my reflection getting blurred... Yun was sitting in the rare sunlight lingering on my doorway... a new breeze came... smell of death....
"Sorry..." I slowly swung the door open... and shiver... it hurt my head... the cold breeze... he lifted his head from the shabby bag that had been used like a pillow. The sound of his faded jeans against dead lawns woke me up... I reached out my hand to him...
His hands were still warm... like his back last time I had a chance to hug it... like the rare sunlight that was vanishing as the breeze blew stronger...
"Thank you..." he whispered to my ear the words... the warmth burnt my skin...
"Welcome..." I led him inside...
"... Back to my world..."

End of another broken piece...

Thursday, January 1, 2009 . 9:57 PM

Confessions of a drama king
Author: Yuki
Claim: ^^v Dedicated to one of the sickest people my love has ever met.
5 things I hate about myself
1. My nose... it's too pointy... haiz... 4 years ago the trend was pointy nose so Boss Man gave me some bucks to fix my already-okay nose... now the trend is coming back to flatting nose... should I take the plastic band out?
2. Sometimes I talk too fast that I couldn't even understand what I'm saying... Once I watched a fancam of me being interviewed and I couldn't believe that I actually said those words... Rapping lessons got my tongue worse.... haiz....
3. My face~ it's too handsome! it's so troublesome everytime I walk ou of my place, people staring at me... even if it's late at night... WAIT A Minute... Ah... it's because I'm wearing sunglasses at night~
4. My back... too much muscles... and there's no tattoo... haiz... how about "Beutiful" I'm pretty...
Wait... is it "beautiful" or... "bautiful..."
5. My bandmates... they have bigger fanbases than mine... Maybe I should do something... how about a scandal... I will have some gay scandal... ahha... maybe taking pictures of me naked and send to a big paper... not bad...
100 I love about myself next edition... RAndOm~~
* Knitting :I've started knitting... really... it's the ugliest piece I've ever seen AHH... (crying because of feeling useless) three holes... uneven margins... haiz.... FIGHTING~~ A shaman shouldn't be knitting all stuggs like this... have u ever seen the wicked stepmother knitting in cinderella story?
* Korea: I've just borrowed two travel books about Korea from the library... totally fantastic!!! I want to go to Korea visiting Changgyeonggung and the Blue house... and lots of places~~~ not to mention Deoksugung where the finger of Queen Min was found~ (it does sound a bit creepy to me though) All the food is so tempting to me... *dreaming* and what's more wonderful? they are amazingly cheap~~ okay it's because things in australia is costly so we get paid more... I can't wait to try all the rice cake 떡 and Soju... hehehehe... I'm not impressed with Japchae because it sounds like deep fried noodles in vietnam... but I will definitely try cold noodle 냉면 and dumpling soup 만두국~ I hope I will be able to fulfil my wish next year~ when I'm not longer tressed with university~ ONe good thing is that australians (if I have managed to get Australia permanent citizenship by that time) I won't need the visa thingy and can stay there for 3 months with a bought plane ticket... hehehehe... :))
* Teaching: I'm getting Education diploma together with Bachelor of Arts (it's the thing for sure) so I want to teach English once I get there (earn some money u know~~).. I hope my degree can make up for the fact that I'm not a native English speaker... haiz~

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.... I HOPE YOU ALL THE BEST NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE... ^^v OR WHERE YOU MAY BE... ^^