Wednesday, January 21, 2009 . 10:09 AM

Letter for Yun (someone I couldn't find a good description for, lover, friend, lord...whatever)
To Yun...
It's been a while since I could sit down and write you how I feel... I want to write it out so that I have a place to go to one day... because I'm afraid that I will forget...
When I get so exhausted that memories start to slip from my mind, my body, my feelings, I will come back here and read these lines again... so as to fall in love all over again with memories about you...
Is what I'm feeling for you right now love? I don't know... it's really too confusing...
I really want to talk to somebody so that they can confirm it for me... maybe they will say things like "Oh, I've felt that before... it could be love..." or "It's just an impulsive moment..."... I will be listening to their words... not knowing whether to cry or smile...
Sometimes I wonder if you know... you said you knew... and you also said that you could never love me more than a friend...
Maybe I didn't do it right... from the start, in our relationship... I haven't done it right, haven't acted my role right...
Maybe from the start, I shouldn't have let my feelings get over the limit of friendship...
My mom used to tell me: "You treat your friends too nice that you have become so usable." She didn't know her stupid daughter only knew a friend or two...
Been backstabbed many times, I may have become more cautious but not less stupid...
I remember blaming myself every time getting backstabbed... I blamed myself because I had not been a good friend... and that I probably had done something wrong that made those people hate me so much that they hurt me...
And I still blame myself every now and then whenever someone I truly care about did something I'm uncomfortable with
I remember being called fake... even though I say things that I really mean... even though I tell myself not to lie... I'm still a fake... I can't explain why I can have so many faces...
But I never want to hurt anyone with those faces... I can swear upon my ugly face from the very bottom...
Because you are very special, very different from what I see in the others...
...
Yun, you know what? There is an invisible wall between us...
Maybe there is no wall at all and all I did was just imagining
But I can feel it every time I manage to get close to you
I can feel it grow and trying to push me away
Every time you cry, frown, yell at me, the fear becomes so great that I get a painful heartache
I remember you laughing when I told you that my heart ached everytime things went out of the right way between us
It's true, Yun ah... Right now when I'm writing this, the aching is coming to me like a heavy stone slowly shifts all its weight on my chest...
I don't know how much more I have to give so that you will let your guards down at me... it's not quite a good expression, is it? I'm actually asking you to turn yourself into a fool like me... that's a ridiculous one, so forget it (^^;)
I just want to know what you want from me... and I mean to ask the questoin with its most genuine meaning...
Your laughter actually is very refreshing, do you know that? every time I see you "hahaha" I actually feel hope... even though you're not really amused and you just do it because you feel sorry for my pathetic look, you do me a big favor already, thank you...
Times when you suddenly call my name are the scariest... because it's almost a fact that never goes wrong after "Yuki" there's always something unpleasant after that...
And I blame myself for annoying you...
Recently, I'm thinking about finding someone to replace you...
Because I suddenly find a possibility of you getting tired of me
You never accepted me, that gives you the absolute right to ask me to leave, after all the time, I'm the only one clinging onto you
That's one scary thing as well...
You will shout at me, or may call my name softly and then say it
"Yuki, please, I'm tired of you."
That will sure break me... or maybe a whole self of me
I love the Yuki I am now... I love being Yuki... being with you...
Being a Yuki whom you call your best friend...
I need you...
Ever since you entrusted me with those secrets, I have given myself a few small rules...
Never to talk about my family, because it may upset you is a small example...
There are really too many things I want to write down before my memories vanish...
Like I will remember your likes: color brown, coffee, mugs and tons of trifling things... because I think you will be happy if I remember those
Just like I will be if you can remember things about me
I want to have the memory of you sharing the bed with me
Happy memories...
One year is too short a time...
Because time is even shorter for you, I want to have those all in my mind, to note them down and never forget you when you're gone...
Have a nice day my Yun
Yuki
P.S: I should love myself more but I want to love you instead.